Change is inevitable.

I found my old diary that I used to keep earlier this year. Around January to April-ish. Maybe even until June. I don't think I've ever changed as much in the space of one year than I have this year. In looks, tastes, confidence levels, the way I feel about myself and how I relate to other people. I think one person in particular was the driving force behind a lot of this change. Obviously it was in me already, I just needed someone to show a little interest in me and expose me to "the other side".

I am way less girly. I used to be way into the make-up and looking good thing. I still like to look good, but my clothing style is way less mainstream and I only use minimal amounts of makeup. I feel much better about myself. I used to feel so ugly, like I wasn't good enough. Now, I still don't think I'm beautiful but I don't think I'm hideous either.

I can eat now! I no longer feel guilty for eating. I no longer feel the need to count calories. I want to be healthy. Before, I was only concerned with being thin. My eating habits have changed a little too. I am much more aware of where the food I eat comes from. I was always a vegetarian but now I no longer eat eggs/milk/cheese. On the odd occasion that I do eat cheese, it's rennet free. Soy milk FTW! I'm also avoiding gelatine. This has nothing to do with losing weight. I'm more concerned with animal rights and keeping my body free of animal products. Of course, this means I have to take a couple of supplements but it doesn't bother me. I feel good about what I eat and that's what matters.

My music taste has taken a bit of a turn also. Just a few months ago, it was whatever was on the radio. Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears. I've always liked the more alternative stuff, but it's like I couldn't be bothered listening to it. All my friends liked what was on the radio and I wanted to fit in, so I just went along with it. It's like I've rediscovered music. I've always loved music, but now I feel like I really enjoy it. It's great!

Anyway, I don't want to waffle on too much. I guess I've just rediscovered myself. Worked out who I really am. I thought I knew before, but I guess I didn't. I feel like myself now. I feel comfortable with who I am and how I see the world and what I like. Sure, I don't really fit into mainstream culture all that much, but that doesn't concern me. I like where I am at the moment. Acceptance =)

Don't Stop Believing

"Some will win, some will lose,
Some were born to sing the blues.
Oh, the movie never ends,
It goes on and on and on and on...

Don't stop, believing,
Hold on to the feelin,
Streetlights... People..."

Must say I really like this song. The version by Journey though, not the Glee version.

"Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues" - Everyones experiences in life are different, some people get lucky and others, for no particular reason, get the short end of the stick. Regardless of all that, everyone is equal and has a place in the world. You have to make the best of what you've been given.

"Oh, the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on" - The world never stops living. Although sometimes it may feel as if there isn't a point or reason to keep living, the Universe doesn't care. It keeps going as it always has since the moment of it's creation. Life will never stop, even after our own deaths, life will still be living.

"Don't stop believing, hold on to the feeling. Streetlights, People" - Hold on to those epically great moments in life because those are the ones you're going to need when you're down. Never forget that things can and will get better if you allow them to. Think positive. Positive energy creates positive experiences.

Maybe I'm looking into this song too deep, but that's kinda the way I see it. Anyway, I haven't written anything in a while. 6 months actually. I went through a bit of a "down" faze for a while. I forgot how to think positively. I let one persons actions affect me considerably. I got caught up in needing to spend time with others like me, which in turn, made me feel "on the outside" because the people I am close friends with don't really think the way I do. What I forgot though, was that my close friends are the ones that will always accept me for who I am, regardless of the fact they think I can be a little "out there" or "strange" in the way I think. I have realised that I don't need to spend time around others like me. Sure, it's nice to be around others who share the same views, but I have to be comfortable with myself as in individual alone. As long as I am being myself and the company I share accepts me for who I am, it doesn't matter. I think the key to happiness is to always be your true self. The person you are deep down inside. If people don't like that, it's not the end of the world.

Anyway, I have an irritating mother who is currently hounding me to do the dishes. She is the prime example of a person who does not think as I do. But yes, must not get off track, dishes need to be done if the mother is going to shut up.

Until next time.......which may very well be in another 6 months time ;)

A little bit of everything

So, this is a little bit of everything post. I will see where my thoughts take me.


Today, I went shopping :-)
I bought some awesomely awesome Nag Champa incense, and when I say awseome, I mean AWESOME!! Even my mum loves the stuff and she isn't usually one for incense. I also got the first season of the Brady Bunch, I wasn't planning on buying it, but it was only $20, so I just had to!

We had the GAT yesterday. It was nothing special. In actual fact, it was quite boring. I amused myself by writing a rather humorous four and a half pages on why we humans should devote all of our time to worshipping bees. We also had to write an essay about matierial possessions and whether they make us happy. This caused me to think about what makes ME happy and content, which then prompted me to write the list bellow:

Things that make me happy
Insence
Laughing
Taking photos
Ballet
Family
Friends
Music
Pianos
The sky
Thinking
New ballet shoes
Colour
Cooking
Running
Animals
Love
Being silly
Singing
Reading
Watching
Fantasy
Writing

Wow, I could go on forever. There are are so many things that I love about the world. But I would have to say, and I don't know whether you could say that this is something that makes me happy, or a result of happiness, but, my absolute favourite feeling would be the feeling of freedom. Just being free, laughing, running, spinning, not caring about what anyone else thinks. It makes you feel all warm and giddy. I love that feeling, it's so addictive. I am so thankful that I can say that I have experienced this feeling. It's so easy to get caught up in the chaos that is life, we have to remember that it's usually the simpler things that make us happy. Happiness should come from the inside out, not the outside in.

Anne of Green Gables Quotes

"Isn't it splendid to think of all the things there are to find out about? It just makes me feel glad to be alive--it's such an interesting world. It wouldn't be half so interesting if we know all about everything, would it? There'd be no scope for imagination then, would there?"

"It's all very well to read about sorrows and imagine yourself living through them heroically, but it's not so nice when you really come to have them, is it?"

I'm not a bit changed--not really. I'm only just pruned down and branched out. The real ME--back here--is just the same."

And to finish it off, my four favourite songs at the moment:
Supermassive Black Hole- Muse
Shut Up and Let Me Go- The Ting Ting's
Music Is My Hot Hot Sex- CSS
Breathe Me- Sia

Randominity #2

Ok, so, I have had this blog for four months now. It feels like longer. But anyway, I thought I would do an update, if that makes sense. I don't know what to write. I have so many thoughts in my head! I need to process them, work out what to type.

Reading back what I wrote a few months ago, all the body issues I was having, they have all gone now, which is good I suppose. I seem to have lost all of my discipline. I can't work out whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's good because I am not anxious all the time, but bad, because it's so much easier to put on weight when you aren't obsessing about everything you put in your mouth. Bleh. I can feel myself getting bigger. But, I am happier :-)

I feel confused, annoyed, sad, frustrated. I just feel GRRRRRRR

There is someone in my life at the moment who is ultra confusing. They don't mean to be, they just are. Either that or I'm just paranoid.

I am way too nice to people.

There is a certain "friend" I have that I can't help being nice to. I know that I shouldn't, because I don't think she has ever done a nice thing for me in my life. I feel a little used. We used to be very close a few years ago, she was going through a tough time, I had gone through what she was going through and I was the only person she could talk to about it. Only problem was that hearing her talk about her problems put me in a bad place also, so on top of having to try and help her deal with her problems, I had to deal with mine too, which kinda made my life go out of wack. I think I was much more emotionally fragile at the time than she was. But, I was there for her, whenever she needed me, I was there to talk, comfort, sympathise, listen to her cry, offer advice. I also told her about the problems I was having, but I don't think she ever fully "got it". We stopped talking after a while, which was probably for the better. We have recently resumed contact. At first I was happy, I had been wanting to talk to her for ages. I have since changed my mind. I asked her how she was, how the problems were going, how she was coping. She told me she was fine, never thought about it anymore, was completely over it, it didn't affect her life at all. Did she ask me how I was? No. Not one single word about how I had dealt with it. It made me feel so unloved, so small, so unimportant. She was the one who heard me cry on the phone at night, the only person I told. Did she remember? No. Lately, I have been feeling like she is using me again. The only time she ever talks to me is when she wants a favour. I always help her out because I don't have it in me to say no. But I feel so dissapointed in myself when I do, because I have let her use me again. It makes me feel weak.

I really should get over all this. It was years ago. It's so silly to hang on to it all. I feel so stupid. I can't help it though. It made a big impact on my life. I know it's not her fault, I was the one who chose to help her. But I can't help blaming her just a little, and I feel horrible for it.

*Sigh*

I watched Twilight over the weekend and I can honestly say, I do not get what all the hype is about. Yes, Edward is quite attractive, but that's only because he is wearing contacts, dyed hair and quite probably a truckload of makeup. I found that the movie had no substance. There was no "behind the scenes". Both characters seemed to have no personality whatsoever and I honestly cannot understand what brings Bella and Edward together. Whats makes them attracted to each other? They seemed to have no emotional connection at all. Thier relationship seems to be based on obsession. Lust. I can see why girls may find the whole Twilight phenomenon addicting. Bella and Edwards relationship is dangerous. What with him being a vampire and all. Danger is hot. It's addicting. But I also think it's unrealistic. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for fantasy, but this Twilight just didn't do it for me. I guess I shall try the books. I'm told they are better than the movie. Let's see how far I get before I feel like throwing them out the window, ey? :-p

The little things-Ballet

So, just some random facts and thoughts about my day.
I'm not well at the moment, so I had to go and watch my ballet class today. I love watching classes, it's such a learning experience, you wouldn't think it would be, but it is. It allows you to listen to the teacher so much more because you aren't distracted by dancing. I love the language ballet teachers use. All the analogies and such. To anyone outside the room, it would sound as if the teacher was a total nut case, but to everyone in the room, what she says makes perfect sense. Here are some examples from today..

"Don't drop the tail!"
"It looks as if you're carrying around 50kg of weights"
"Stop looking at the floor, there is nothing on the floor"
"Pat the puppy, nice and gentle"
"You're going to see something very special right now, I am beautiful"
"Smile, look like you actually want to be here"
"If you don't start using those feet properly, I will chop them off and give them to someone who will!"
"Opposite arm to the leg, you don't walk down the street swinging the same arm as the leg, do you?"
"Ok, everyone get into the starting position, even if you don't know what it is, choose one and stay there"
"Well, that was a bit of a train-wreak"


Ahhh, have I mentioned that I absolutely adore ballet yet? :-)

Soul mates

I thought I would dedicate this post to the subject of soul mates. What is a soul mate? How does one acquire one? In this day and age, it seems like everyone is looking for that one special person.

Most people think of a soul mate as a romantic figure, I beg to differ. I think the connection and love that one can feel with a soul mate can be purely platonic. I also think that one can have more than just one soul mate. A soul mate to me is someone I feel comfortable around, someone I can connect with, someone who has similar interests and views as I.

When I was younger, I used to always wish for that special friend. Someone I could connect with on a deeper level, someone who was past all the pettiness that comes with having a best friend when you are a child. Someone who would understand me and love me for who I was, and I would do the same for them. What I was looking for at that time was a mature friendship, something that was probably impossible.

Now that I am older, I am happy to report that I have found my soul mates, my mature friendships that I longed for. Of course, my friendship status with these soul mates may change, and new soul mates may come into my life, but I believe that I have two very special soul mates in my life right now that will always be with me, no matter where I am, no matter how much I change. I can't picture my life without them, and I am so thankful that they are a part of my life.

The colour quiz

I just took this quiz and I thought I would put the results on here. They are scarily accurate...

Your Existing Situation

"Creative and emotional, looking for ways to further expand those qualities. Looking for a partner who enjoys the same activities. Seeking adventure and new and unusual activities."

Your Stress Sources

"Wishes for freedom and independence, free from limitations and restrictions except for the ones she choices to give herself."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"Tries to participate and involve herself in things going on around her; however, avoids conflict and arguments to reduce stress and tension."

"Finds satisfaction in sexual activity, but is emotionally detached which prevents her from becoming too involved."

"Struggles to make her demands clear, but feels ignored. Feels resentful, but acts as if she doesn't care, doing what is necessary to keep peace."

"She is able to find satisfaction through sexual activity, but can be restless and emotionally distant so she never really gets too involved with others."

Your Desired Objective

Very active imagination and may be prone to fantasies and daydreaming. Always dreaming of interesting and exciting things to happen to her. Is a charmer and wants to be admired for that.

Your Actual Problem

"Feeling held back and restricted from moving forward, looking for a solution that will give her more freedom and less obstacles."